Автор колонки описывает, как медведь разрушил его высокотехнологичный компостер и стал его новой проблемой

You don’t rise to the top of the composting heap without making enemies Published 1:30 am Thursday, September 3, 2026 YOU COULD SAY I am a connoisseur of compost, after the years spent creating a composting dynamo that would completely dissolve a fish head into compost in a week finally paid off. With its stainless-steel vapor barrier and hermetically sealed reduction chamber, my composter was the envy of the composting industry. It’s like the old saying, build a better composter and something will beat a path to your door. I built the world’s most advanced composter. Then something beat a path to my door and wrecked my beloved composter. I’ll never forget the shock and awe. I was up at daylight, checking to see if the composter was steaming enough to power the turbine. Instead, I saw the mangled remains of my composting dream, the offal and half-rotted fish heads scattered across the lawn like so much garbage. The superstructure was knocked off the foundation. The ventilator tubes, heat sensors and sphincter valves were tangled together in a twisted heap of scrap metal and plastic. Naturally, I suspected a competing composter. You don’t rise to the top of the composting heap without making a few enemies. They’re jealous types, the composting cabal, not above wrecking another’s dream for their own glory. I was merely trying to help my fellow man and reduce our nation’s dependence on foreign compost. In doing so, I transformed composting from a smelly chore into a fascinating outdoor activity the whole family can enjoy. So, I rebuilt my composter and sat back to watch for wreckers and saboteurs. Then I saw her one evening, strolling the edge of the swamp. She was built like a brick smokehouse, an enchanting creature with beautiful jet-black hair. I knew my composting days were numbered. I remember the good times. There’s a period of adjustment in any relationship. She used to go on eating binges. Like the time she ate an orchard full of apples. It must have upset her tummy judging from the mess in the yard. There are always those who stick their nose in other people’s business to ruin the happiness of others by asking stupid questions like, “Why doesn’t she do that in the woods like all the other bears?” They said I should shoot her for a bear hide. I thought she needed her bear hide more than I did. She didn’t appreciate being shot, even with a camera. I took her picture while she was climbing a tree. She growled at the flash. I’d crossed the line. I knew the honeymoon was over when I ran out of fish heads. She overreacted by eating an entire hornet’s nest in just one sitting. It made her cranky. I blamed myself but couldn’t help wondering if she didn’t just like me for my compost. I started making crazy plans. I mentioned hibernating this winter, how it would be great with the extra weight she was putting on. I meant it in the nicest possible way. I had no idea what a cruel and inappropriate remark it was. After that, the compost went sour. She stayed away for days on end. I could hardly expect her to be alone for very long. I heard from some neighbors that she’d been on their porch eating fruit. They scared her away with loud noises. They said they were looking for a permanent solution. I said loud noises scared her. She preferred Mozart. As for a permanent solution, if she wanted to hibernate at their house, I would not stand in the way of her happiness. Life goes on. I built a new composter. So far, nothing has bothered it. Pat Neal is a Hoh River fishing and rafting guide and “wilderness gossip columnist.” He can be reached at 360-683-9867 or by email via [email protected].