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THERE is no arousing word for a lady’s underthings and most kill the mood stone dead. We rank them from bad to worst: Lingerie Are you Baudelaire? Or any other 19th century French poet? No? When you didn’t even pass GCSE French, refrain from calling your girlfriend’s £3 polyester Primark thong her ‘lingerie’. She’s a client services advisor, not a courtesan. Pants or panties As an Americanism ‘panties’ can sound vaguely exotic, yet ‘pants’ brings back memories of Frank Skinner dancing in Y-fronts and no one can get aroused after that. ‘Pants’ also being British slang for something crap also doesn’t augur well for your sexual performance. Undies Sounds like something your mum might say when inquiring as to the contents of your laundry basket. Too cosy for sexy talk, unless you’re into that and frankly you shouldn’t be. Drawers Feels like something a lady would wear for churning butter or that a man would store a collection of screwdrivers in. No man has ever successfully seduced a woman by inviting her to ‘get her drawers off’. Maybe once, in Burnley. Knickers Doesn’t exactly get the heart racing. ‘Get those knickers off,’ sounds like you’re rehearsing a 70s sex comedy. It’s a technical term, and one covering a multitude. Like your wife’s large cotton briefs. Bloomers The sort of item one would sport while operating a printing press or riding a bicycle side-saddle. Went out of fashion in 1912. No matter how big a lady’s M&S pants are, they’re not really bloomers. Unmentionables Downright Victorian and founded in the a belief that a lady should not possess genitalia. Indeed, in this philosophy there’s nothing connecting her upper and lower halves. It is all simply unmentionable, like the prospect of her having the right to vote.