Книга Саймона Гриффина «Fucking Apostrophes» помогает разобраться в сложных правилах использования апострофов

“Fucking Apostrophes” by Simon Griffin (published by Icon Books) Apostrophe-obsessed Simon Griffin would no doubt cringe at this abomination we just came across in “Biggles and the Leopards of Zinn” by Capt. W.E. Johns, published in 1960 – “’Ware snakes,” warned Ginger, when they came to the softer ground. “I nearly put my foot on a puff adder.” “’Ware” instead of “’Beware”? Correct but ugly and could well cause Griffin the shakes. Or this other recent one from The Budapest Times bookshelves in “Gideon’s Fire” by J.J. Marric (John Creasey), published in 1961 – “He spent the night before last at the Ericson’s place,”. It should be “the Ericsons’ place” because they are the two Ericsons, husband and wife, plural. Perhaps it’s just a printer’s error but what about proof readers? Either way, Griffin would undoubtedly shudder. Flippin’ ’eck, or flipping heck, we say. It can be easy to get in a tangle. Of course, we love our apostrophes at The Budapest Times (not to ignore our commas and full stops, exclamation and question marks, quote marks and the full gamut of punctuation and grammar within the English language). We stand guard over them all assiduously. But we still catch ourselves wondering, should it be “The Budapest Times bookshelves” (simply adjectival) or “The Budapest Times’ bookshelves” (possessive)? Griffin would know and probably we can get to the bottom of it in his little red book. In unison with the title of Griffin’s volume, it can be noted that every time he mentions apostrophes, it is as “fucking apostrophes”. Thus, as he announces: “ Fucking Apostrophes. The title says it all. Despite what some may claim, the rules about how to use them are complicated, and have evolved haphazardly. This is a light-hearted guide to getting the fucking things right.” Ground rules laid down, then. And there are two things we need to know about fucking apostrophes, apparently. One: Despite what everyone might say, they’re really not that simple.” And two: “People will argue strongly (sometimes even violently) that they are right about fucking apostrophes, even when they are wrong.” In anticipation of those numerous people who will disagree with him, suck their teeth and start trolling him on Twitter, Griffin apologises. “The aim of this book is purely to help people learn the core rules of using fucking apostrophes, and offer an educated opinion on the rest.” Thus in what is both a small and a slim volume, clocking in at fewer than 60 pages, our instructor, an English bod living in Leeds, Yorkshire, offers his expertise gathered as a copywriter in the advertising and design industry for nearly 20 years. Here are a quick history of apostrophes (“Most people generally agree that fucking apostrophes come from the Greek hḗ apóstrophos, meaning a turning away or an elision (the omission of a sound or syllable when speaking”), how the aforesaid are used in omissions or contractions to show that one letter or more has been left out (“He’d like to buy you some cocaine”), possessive apostrophes (“John Travolta’s toothbrush”), pronouns and apostrophes (“It’s all yours,” the lawyers explained to Heather/”Everyone’s keys were placed in the bowl”), and plural apostrophes (“Here’s a list of do’s and don’ts… ). (As mentioned, or forewarned, add the word “fucking” before both Griffin’s and our each and every  reference to “apostrophes” to appreciate the light but serious tone of the book). Learn, then, precisely why “Rihanna and Jennifer’s photos were all over the Internet” is quite different to “Rihanna’s and Jennifer’s photos”. Namely – and The Budapest Times apologises  to those people who are not at all dumbfounded by this – the first example indicates that the photos Rihanna and Jennifer had taken together were all over the internet, and the second that the photos of Rihanna were all over the internet, and so were the photos of Jennifer. And as for “The Budapest Times bookshelves” conundrum, Griffin eases our worries by saying that as attributive fucking apostrophes go, this is a can of worms that doesn’t get much bigger and wormier. The good news, he says, is that there’s really no right or wrong in the matter, just opinion. Read on for clarity – “An attributive noun is a noun that describes another noun, essentially turning it into an adjective, so you don’t need to use a fucking apostrophe. Some examples could be: farmers market, teachers manual, goats cheese, drivers licence.” And therefore “The Budapest Times bookshelves”, right? “One rule that is most definitely a rule is that a fucking apostrophe always looks like a miniature number 9 with the hole filled in,” Griffin notes. “The tail always points to the left – something to watch out for if you’re starting a word with a fucking apostrophe (’Twas the night before Christmas… )”. So, Biggles sidekick Ginger take note. But wait a minute. Should that be “Biggles sidekick Ginger”, “Biggles’ sidekick Ginger” or “Biggles’s sidekick Ginger”? Um, the answer is on Pages 26 and 27, if we can work it out. Simon Griffin’s diverting book certainly helps us to be linguistically accurate. If we say it’s entertaining in its way, we do so because it’s true but also so that readers will please note our sneaky but correct use of “it’s and “its” here. There are still a lot of dumbos who can’t get “it’s and “its” right, and need a good dose of “Fucking Apostrophes”. Basically, apostrophes can be an f’ing pain. The rules developed willy-nilly and still today can be complicated. As one piece of praise for this short guide says, “At last a book that tells you exactly where to stick your apostrophe… ” What this means, we think, is to stick it where it ’urts.