Колонка Dear Prudence публикует классические письма читателей о сложных семейных и любовных ситуациях

Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years—so we’re diving into the Dear Prudence archives to share classic letters with our readers. Submit your own questions to Prudie here. Dear Prudence, I am a 50-year-old widower and a friend of mine introduced me to “Susan,” someone she knows who is my age and divorced, thinking we would hit it off. We have gone out a couple of times and it went well, but I had this strange feeling that something was familiar about her. Our mutual friend showed me Susan’s Facebook page, and I saw something shocking. Years ago when I was in my 20s living in another city, I dated “Jackie,” a woman 30 years my senior. We got along well, but the age difference was too much so we amicably parted ways. She was uncomfortable with others knowing about our relationship, so we agreed never to discuss it with anyone. On Susan’s page was a memorial to Jackie. It turns out Susan is Jackie’s daughter. I’m not sure what to do about this. Should I tell Susan about my past relationship with her mother? Should I wait and tell her later or not tell her at all? It has created an awkward situation and I’m not sure what to do. —Like Mother, Like Daughter Dear Like Mother, Like Daughter, Awkward, indeed. I would tell her when you get to date No. 5. That’s because you do want to respect the fact that Jackie kept your relationship a secret and wouldn’t want Susan to know. And if you and Susan are going to realize you’re incompatible after a couple more dates, she really doesn’t need access to this information … but if things are going well and getting more serious, you have to choose honesty with the person who is still alive and in your life over the person from your past. Mostly because if your relationship progresses, you don’t want the burden of carrying around this secret. —Jenée Desmond-Harris From: Help! It Turns Out I’m Dating My Ex’s Daughter. (December 27th, 2021). Get advice—submit a question! Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don‘t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear Prudence, About five months ago, my husband and I had a fairly large fight. He’s an alcoholic and since that night has stopped drinking. It started because he was drinking and he said some pretty nasty things to me. Of course, as you do in these situations, I argued and pleaded with him and then at some point just gave up. He went out and continued drinking and I stayed at home and wallowed in my misery. I then had a text from a friend showing him cozied up at the bar with a girl that I know is his friend—except it was a little too cozy to be considered just friendly. In spite of my better judgment, I went to the bar and drug him out by his collar. I can’t say I was very nice. The next day he quit drinking. I told him I was uncomfortable with his friendship with this girl given the situation, but I never asked him to give it up. Fast forward five months. This girl posts some things on Facebook that are slightly concerning, and her profile picture is a picture of my husband and his sons on our wedding day. I asked him calmly to talk to her about taking it down. He says he did. It’s still there. I confronted her about it and said, given the situation and supposed misunderstanding, I would appreciate it if she took it down. I can’t say it was all rainbows and sunshine, but I was more tactful than would be expected. I was met with nothing but hostility and that it was her “family” and she could do whatever she wanted. I told my husband I was not comfortable with the friendship, but going forward he needed to be transparent in his interactions with her. He acknowledges that he understands and that’s what’s going to happen. A month goes by and I find out he’s been texting and talking to her and deleting the messages because he knows it would upset me. Really? What would have given you that impression? It was then that I told him that he needed to cut off communication. He did, to the best of my knowledge, but not willingly. He’s mad at me because of this. He still claims they’re just friends and can’t understand why I’m so upset. I don’t believe there is a physical relationship between them, but there’s obviously an emotional one, which is almost harder. I trusted him to be transparent, to take into consideration my feelings, and instead it’s like he’s had no regard for me. I gave him ample opportunity to prove this was nothing to worry about and he did the exact opposite and made it worse. And now I’m the bad guy. We’ve just started seeing a counselor and that’s good, but the fact is, I’m so angry and hurt that I don’t know how to move forward even with counseling. I sat there and listened to him try and gloss it over like it’s no big deal. And it hurt all over again. I don’t even know why I’m writing to you, other than maybe I need another perspective. —Hurt and Confused Dear Hurt and Confused, I am happy to offer another perspective—well, actually, probably the same perspective you have in your honest moments: Drinking wasn’t your husband’s only issue. And he’s not treating this relationship with the care that you are. He’s not honest. And he doesn’t have the regard for you that you have for him. His doing something that hurts you and then making you the bad guy is not loving, and it’s not fair. Also: I can almost guarantee they’re still in touch. Don’t let him make you feel like you’re being unreasonable here. —J.D.H. From: Help! My 21-Year-Old Stepdaughter Dresses and Undresses in Front of Her Father. (February 23th, 2022). Dear Prudence, Prior to our wedding, my husband and I had been talking about children. He has told me he might not want children at all. I was OK with it at that time. After a few years together, it became more evident that I wanted to have kids. When I bring this up, he will tell me he’s not ready yet. More than 10 years later, he’s still not ready. I’m so disappointed and saddened by how long I have been waiting, and now the chance is very slim. Sometimes, I would think of just finding another man that would be willing to be a father. I’m running out of time. I have put up with other issues in the relationship, but this one is pulling me down and away. —Waited Too Long Dear Waited Too Long, It makes sense that you’re being pulled away. This is the kind of thing that you might need to divorce over. If you want children and you never get to have them because of your husband’s choices, your relationship could easily be ruined by bitterness and resentment. Even if you’re the one who changed your mind! There’s no right and wrong here, only what will make each of you happy (or miserable). And of course, you’re right that this decision is time-sensitive. I think you should move quickly to do whatever you need to do to put yourself in a position to have a baby, whether it’s in the context of a new relationship or as a single parent, and whether you need some help from science. Start with getting a doctor to run some tests to get a sense of your fertility so you can have an idea of how quickly you need to act. But whatever the result, don’t waste too much more time in a marriage that can’t give you what you want. —J.D.H. From: Help! My Spouse Assured Me She Wasn’t a Disney Freak When We Married. That Was a “Psychotic Lie.” (December 30th, 2021). Classic Prudie When my brother and I were kids, we were close. But around the time I was 14 and he was 10, he started verbally bullying me when our parents weren’t around. Even when they were there he would whisper threats and insults to me, but they didn’t notice. Sometimes I would answer angrily back, and my parents reprimanded me and send me to my room! I was thin-skinned and insecure and became terrified to be alone with him.