Советы Slate: как справиться с ревностью партнера к детям и навязчивостью свекрови

Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here. Dear Care and Feeding, I am divorced with a 10-year-old daughter. My ex makes a lot more money than me, so my daughter has had a lot of opportunities, including private lessons and private tutors. She has been out of the country several times, and her grandmother has taken her to both Disney resorts. This has become a problem with my partner, “Mark.” Mark is a single father of three and works a blue collar job. He makes a good enough living, and his idea of a vacation is a drive to the local lake. I love Mark. He is down to earth and very kind. But sometimes he will make these digs about my daughter being spoiled and how her dad throws money at her. Whatever my ex’s faults, he adores our daughter and we have had a good co-parenting relationship. Mark and I have spent time with all four of our children as a family, but still live separately. Mark wants to take our relationship to the next level and move in together. Beyond just the physical logistics of finding a five-bedroom house in this market, I am very worried about the potential resentment from his children because my daughter will being getting more. That is just reality. My daughter has a very fat college fund, and Mark’s kids will have to take out loans. My daughter will be getting a brand new car when she turns 16. Mark’s kids are going to have to share a car older than they are. Now they all are friends and get along, but I am worried about what happens when the day-to-day disparity happens. How do you navigate this? I am 15 years younger than my own siblings and got a lot more of a leg up since our parents were more established and settled. And even as adults, there are flashes of resentment (our parents paid for my wedding, but not my sister’s, etc), and I consider us all very close. But this is near-teens with new stepsiblings. —Moving Maybe Dear Moving Maybe, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but it sounds like Mark is jealous. And while you absolutely can navigate the dynamic that’s between the kids as they age, you can’t accomplish anything if your partner in this goal is the main one fostering a lot of the animosity. My biggest concern here is that he called your child spoiled. You shouldn’t move in with anyone who is so sour about how your child is being raised. Ultimately, it’s up to you and your daughter’s father what she’s given. You didn’t mention anything about her being unappreciative or what she received affecting her behavior. So frankly, it’s not his business, and you might want to reconsider moving forward with this relationship. It’s not just about logistics. Living with an adult who feels like she is undeserving of what she receives isn’t fair to your daughter. If Mark’s kids were upset, this would be a different conversation: likely one about helping everyone feel equal within the home. But this is an adult man with his own issues about how much he can or cannot provide for the family he already has. He’s not ready to add to it. Get parenting advice—submit a question! Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don‘t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear Care and Feeding, I have two children, a 6-year-old boy and 2-year-old girl. My in-laws live a plane ride away and visit us every two or three months. Their trips are stressful for me for multiple reasons, but I’m mostly concerned about how my mother-in-law speaks to my daughter. They’re both very affectionate, no problem there, but my mother-in-law will say, “I grabbed you,” or “You got grabbed,” whenever she goes for a hug. This really bothers me. My husband and I have been teaching both of our children body autonomy and consent. We ask for hugs, kisses, and tickles. Both kids do the same with each other, their cousins, and other family members. These “grabbing” comments always catch me off guard. My daughter usually tries to wriggle away from Grandma, and then my mother-in-law will act sad that my daughter didn’t hug her. I’ve tried to tell her to ask for hugs directly and have suggested that calling a hug a “grab” is confusing to a toddler, but my mother-in-law is usually dismissive of these comments. My husband had also tried to communicate with his mother about this, but nothing has changed. Can you give me a better script for dealing with this? —We’ve Got a Grabby Granny Dear We’ve Got a Grabby Granny, This is such a common issue nowadays! Many of us are working to create boundaries for our kids that we weren’t allowed to have, and some people in our parents’ generation don’t see the harm in jokingly crossing them. It seems as if you’ve tried to do this, but focus on what your mother-in-law should say instead of what she shouldn’t. Approach her as the helpful mom of a toddler explaining what “tricks” work for you. You might have better luck prefacing your sentences with things like, “It works for me when I say … “ or “Ah, I get the best and squishiest hugs when I ask for it this way….” This also makes asking for a hug more of a game, which it seems like your mother-in-law is trying to do. She’s trying to do the ole “gotcha” joke, where you grab a kid and make them laugh, only this time, your daughter is uncomfortable, and it’s not working. So, basically, give her a new game to try, and it’ll be more comfortable for everyone. —Arionne More Parenting Advice From Slate My dad passed away two years ago. I, a 42-year-old man, am a part owner of a small business and regularly work 55 hours a week. My partner and I have intentionally developed a shared approach to household responsibilities and care for our two young kids. I love how connected our immediate family is, and I treasure the opportunity to be a real part of my kids’ lives every day. I’ve worked hard to incorporate friends and exercise as a regular part of my life, and that isn’t easy. Recently, my mom, who’s 81—and with whom I do not have a close relationship—told me she wants to move near me, and I’m trying to determine the ethical course of action.