Небинарная мама рассказала о трудностях использования нейтральных местоимений в быту

‘I’m non-binary’, I told a neighbour. We were at a barbecue and talking about queerness. I went on to explain that although my pronouns are they/she and ‘she’ is acceptable, I much prefer ‘they’. ‘That’s cool,’ my neighbour replied, adding, ‘My daughter is also non-binary.’ I felt accepted – but then, just seconds later, that same person yelled to their partner at the grill: ‘She said she wanted a hamburger!’ I didn’t say anything. After all, I knew I’d said ‘she’ was okay. But I had also said I preferred ‘they’. So why did they just go to the default? Ask Metro Use AI to go deeper into the stories you care about – powered by Metro and trusted publications. It wasn’t the first time this had happened; far from it – which is why I reluctantly continue to offer up ‘she’ as a pronoun. It’s exhausting having to constantly correct people I’ll never see again. Throw the fact that I’m a mother into the mix and people basically consider it permission to see me as a woman – even though I’m always clear I don’t consider myself one. The thought that I might be outside of the gender binary was something I flirted with for years. Join Metro's LGBTQ+ community on WhatsApp With thousands of members from all over the world, our vibrant LGBTQ+ WhatsApp channel is a hub for all the latest news and important issues that face the LGBTQ+ community. Simply click on this link, select ‘Join Chat’ and you’re in! Don't forget to turn on notifications! I first realised I was queer as a teenager, in the late noughties. I initially came out as bisexual, but I had no real understanding of gender expression yet. It just wasn’t talked about. All the same, I knew I was different. I never had any desire to straighten my hair or get my nails done; I didn’t want to keep up with feminine beauty standards. I never really wanted to be a boy, either; I just liked being androgynous. It wasn’t until I first encountered non-binary people in college that I learned maybe it was possible for me to do the same. Surrounded by other queer folk, I realised I felt more at peace when people used they/them pronouns for me. I finally understood that ‘she’ felt so accusatory in my head – so direct, so wrong – because it wasn’t who I was. I talked to a few of my close friends about it, and they were supportive; but I didn’t feel secure enough in myself to come out to the world as non-binary just yet. I didn’t want to have to defend my identity to everyone I encountered. Then, everything came to a head after I became a mother. I never saw myself as a mum when I was younger, just because I didn’t think I’d ever be in a long-term relationship. I always thought I was too weird to date. It was only when I met my husband in 2017, and he loved me for who I am, that I thought: ‘Ok, I’d be comfortable having a kid’. My husband and I got married in 2020, and I became pregnant in 2023. Join Metro's LGBTQ+ community on WhatsApp With thousands of members from all over the world, our vibrant LGBTQ+ WhatsApp channel is a hub for all the latest news and important issues that face the LGBTQ+ community. Simply click on this link, select ‘Join Chat’ and you’re in! Don't forget to turn on notifications! I’m sure other people feel very connected to womanhood when they’re pregnant. But personally, going through pregnancy and childbirth gave me a new relationship with my body. I realised that, for me, motherhood and womanhood were not necessarily connected. I saw it as: my anatomy allows me to be pregnant, no matter how I identify, it’s just how my body works. But I’m also a spiritual person, so I see it as a very divine thing to be a mother. I felt like I was connecting with the essence of life itself; getting a human being ready to exist in the world. So, becoming a mum gave me a new confidence and a fresh level of knowing myself. After my maternity leave, I worked at a very queer space, a bookstore and bar, where I was surrounded by the LGBTQ+ community. It was here I really felt I’d found my people, and the words to describe myself. I was still worried about having to correct others frequently; but eventually I decided it was more worth it to live as my truth. In 2025, I came out as genderqueer, then non-binary. My son is two now, and still too little to truly understand, but as he gets older I explain a little bit more here and there. I say, ‘Mummy isn’t a woman; they’re just Mummy.’ The newer people in my life, like my coworkers and regulars at the bookstore, have no issues using they/them pronouns – but I’ve noticed that it’s a lot harder for people that have known me for a long time. My husband – who had no problem with me coming out – sometimes struggles, but he makes a pointed effort to refer to me gender-neutrally. However, one family member, while very leftist and accepting, finds it hard seeing me as anything but a woman. When I told them about my pronouns, they even went as far to say ‘what does it matter if you’re not in the room?’. But of course it matters. It’s about how I want to be perceived by the world, and the people who love me should be supportive of that; wherever I am. When I’m out and about with my toddler, the average person we run into assumes I am a woman, as I am femme presenting and with my son. But when you see yourself one way, while the world perceives you a different way, it can take a massive toll on your energy and mental health. It makes me feel dissociated from my body and my identity. I know some people will say I can’t really be too upset as I do use they/she – but I wish people would at least make an effort to use gender-neutral pronouns. Just try. Maybe I’ll drop the secondary ‘she’ pronoun one of these days, when I feel braver in my identity and care less about how others see me – but for now, I’m lucky to be supported by the closest people in my life. Most of my friends are queer in some way, so they get it; and my husband and son love me for who I am, regardless of my gender. My son even calls me ‘bubba’ instead of ‘mama’ most of the time – I didn’t instruct him to do that, I think he just clocked my queerness on his own. Being a non-binary mother is a unique experience, but ultimately the act of creating life is so magical, so divine, that I think it goes beyond the limited binary of gender. Trans men can be mothers, non-binary folks can be mothers. Your gender expression doesn’t influence how you parent, so you may as well just be you. Do you have a story you’d like to share? Get in touch by emailing [email protected]. Share your views in the comments below. MORE: My date showed me something most people would find disgusting – I loved it MORE: I tried airplane sex – it was awkward and disgusting MORE: I was with my partner for 10 years – when he died, I was left with nothing