Психолог объяснил, как британской королевской семье преодолеть последствия разрыва отношений

Prince William, the Princess of Wales, Prince Harry and the Duchess of Sussex at Queen Elizabeth's funeral on September 14, 2022. Photo / Getty Images From sibling rivalry to inheritance, here’s how to navigate potential areas of conflict without causing further damage. After six years living in the US, the Duke and Duchess of Sussex and their two children have returned to Britain in a bid to bridge the apparent gulf caused by his estrangementfrom his father and brother. But just how easy is it to repair deep-rooted family issues after so long apart? Healing wounds that arise from estrangement may get more challenging as months or years pass, though time can also bring renewed perspective, says Paul Jones, a psychologist and associate dean for education and student experience at Aston University. “As people get older, you have issues around mortality to deal with, and thinking about how you make the most [of the remaining] time with people,” he explains. Confronting that stark reality may, as it appears to in Prince Harry’s case, make people reconsider their decision to cut contact. Estrangement affects around one in five families. Unlike conflict, which involves flashpoints of anger or sadness, estrangement is “a long track history of all these things that have built up”, says Jones. “What we’re not very good at doing is talking about those differences, being curious, and understanding different people’s perspectives. We can get quite wrapped up in our own view of the world and the view of our experiences without really taking the time to understand others’.” This can drive a wedge between relatives, in turn leading to longer-lasting – and emotionally devastating – estrangement. As in the case of Prince Harry and Meghan, some can even move countries and continents to get away from their families. But now they’re back, and bridges have to be rebuilt. Here are some of the reasons families fall out, and how to address them. Marriage The high-profile estrangements of Prince Harry, Brooklyn Peltz Beckham and swimmer Adam Ramsay-Peaty seem to have been triggered by a new partner entering the fold. This can force a shift in priorities, as that person naturally becomes number one. Jones says this results in us confronting questions like, “Who are we loyal to? Where is our time going to get invested? Who is most important in making decisions? Is it family members, or is it my partner?” For Prince William, Prince Harry’s marriage to Meghan marked a shift in a once-close relationship, with reports suggesting the Prince of Wales wasn’t a fan of his brother’s now-wife. Jones says that it is important for siblings or parents to distinguish between feelings of, “‘I am genuinely worried about something harmful in this relationship’ and ‘I am finding it difficult that my relationship with my sibling or child has changed’”, he explains. “If [family members] have concerns, it is usually more constructive to talk about specific behaviours rather than criticise the partner’s character. ‘I miss spending time with you’ opens a very different conversation from ‘your wife has taken you away from us’.” So, should the princes start arranging joint family holidays? “Where there is tension between someone’s partner and family members, repairing the relationship does not necessarily require the partner and their family to become close themselves,” Jones continues. “It may simply be establishing boundaries that allow both relationships to coexist.” Sibling rivalry Whether it’s who has the most successful career or who has the bigger house, siblings can often feel a sense of competition, even if it isn’t explicitly encouraged by other family members. It’s something Prince Harry is acutely aware of, having described Prince William as his “archnemesis” in his bestselling memoir, Spare. How to fix it “Children acquire roles through repeated interactions,” says Jones – whether that’s being the difficult one, the responsible one, or others in between. In Prince Harry’s case, he was long cast as the party-hard “bad boy” in contrast to Prince William’s more responsible persona, though Prince Harry’s image has transformed dramatically since his marriage and starting a family. But if people can’t accept it when their siblings grow up or get new priorities, get-togethers can become a flashpoint. “When families come together, they’re not only interacting with [each other], they’re also interacting with all those memories, the expectations, the established roles [that came before],” says Jones. Family gatherings, then, “can bring those triggers back for those old resentments”. Jones recommends preparing ahead of time. “If you already know that a particular comment or judgment is likely to come, think in advance about how you want to respond. That might mean deciding not to engage, calmly challenging it, changing the subject or setting a boundary. Preparation can reduce the chance that an old trigger immediately pulls you back into an old role.” He also suggests trying not to bring your own childhood frustrations to bear when a sibling annoys you, focusing on the action that’s annoyed you rather than a judgment about their entire personality. “Trying to talk about behaviours is much easier than talking about identity because all those emotions and previous experiences are all built up in identity,” says Jones. The King’s health will undoubtedly be on the minds of Princes William and Harry, especially following his cancer diagnosis (which thankfully has been treated). “An ageing parent can reactivate sibling relationships that have been dormant for many, many years,” says Jones, with differing expectations about what “equal” care looks like proving a primary source of conflict. How to fix it Having conversations about how to disseminate duties ahead of that time is vital, particularly when strenuous responsibilities can force a life overhaul for those undertaking them, says Jones. This is an important first step, says Jones, even if one person will be taking on more responsibility as a result of living closer by, for instance, as there’s not an agreed definition of what doing your fair share looks like. And there are other ways to support your parents beyond physically being present; the sibling with less time on their hands or who lives far away could contribute more financially, say towards a cleaner or professional carer, for example. Wills and inheritance An unequal split in a parent’s will once they die can introduce or reinforce a divide between siblings. Applications to contest wills rose by more than 50% in the UK between 2019-2024, according to a Freedom of Information request from HM Courts & Tribunals Service. Prince Harry has spoken openly about being the royal “spare”, and his jealousy of the privileges granted to Prince William throughout his childhood, which may have acted as a source of conflict. But what gets passed down goes far beyond money, says Jones. “The inheritance you get could represent things like love or recognition, fairness, status, parental approval.” How to fix it There isn’t one universally fair method that can be applied to wills, Jones says, but making clear the reasoning for why things have been passed down as they have is a good start. “Rather than leaving a surprise when that time comes, be open and transparent about finances, the way [beneficiaries will] be looked after, why certain decisions will be made.” That doesn’t mean the situation will be free of tensions, he says, but “at least the family member is an active part of that discussion and can try to find the best way to navigate that while they’re alive. If they leave something to children without the discussion, then the children or people within them will have to find a way to renegotiate their relationships and how they feel about the way those things have been distributed. And that can be really hard.” Family trauma Not all estrangement is the same, says Jones, especially when it has arisen from the likes of abuse, trauma or neglect. Conflict can also arise when two siblings experience the same event, but process it very differently, such as a divorce in the family or death of a parent – both of which are applicable in the princes’ case. “One might want to talk about it frequently, while another may prefer privacy or avoid discussing it,” Jones says. “Repair does not require them to cope in the same way. It requires recognising that the other person’s way of coping may be different without automatically treating it as wrong.” How to fix it Gradual contact leading up to more time spent together can be helpful, says Jones. “There is no need to move immediately from estrangement to weekends together or major family occasions. It might begin with a message, phone call, coffee or walk and develop from there.” The medium can also matter. “Some people communicate better in writing because it gives them time to reflect. Others find written communication too easy to misinterpret and do better by phone or face-to-face.” Jones also advises agreeing expectations beforehand: such as “whether there are subjects that are not yet ready to be discussed, and whether the aim of the meeting is to talk about the past or simply begin reconnecting”.