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AARP Hearing Center Finding Healthier Ways to Cope with Caregiving Recognize when stress-relief habits stop helping — and find new ways to cope Key takeaways - Caregiver stress can lead to coping habits that provide immediate relief but gradually become excessive, creating new problems and adding to caregiver burden. - Recognizing how coping habits affect well-being can help caregivers identify strategies that provide long-lasting support and relief. - Spot warning signs, including secrecy, loss of control, escalating frequency or interference with daily life, that indicate a coping habit could be harmful. Caregiver stress and burnout can show up in unexpected ways. Sometimes, it may lead to healthy coping strategies, such as exercising, spending time with friends or getting outdoors. But for many caregivers, the pressure of providing care can fuel habits that start small and gradually become excessive — an extra glass of wine at night, reaching for a favorite candy or comfort food, working longer hours to escape the demands of caregiving or turning to more and more shopping, cigarettes, marijuana or another habit for relief. What starts as an occasional indulgence can quietly become a pattern, adding another layer of concern to an already stressful life. That risk is especially significant given that nearly two-thirds of caregivers report moderate or high emotional stress, according to a joint report from AARP and the National Alliance for Caregiving. More Ways to Benefit - Related Benefit 1 - Related Benefit 2 - Related Benefit 3 - Related Benefit 4 - Related Benefit 5 “Caregiving is the epitome of stress. Caregivers often realize they aren’t coping well, but they may not feel they have the energy to figure out productive coping mechanisms and instead turn to drinking or overeating because it satisfies their immediate strain,” says psychologist Deborah Derrickson Kossmann, author of Lost Found Kept. For former Wisconsin governor Marty Schreiber, the demands of caregiving gradually led him to rely on two to three martinis a night as his wife, Elaine, lost her independence to Alzheimer’s disease. Schreiber, 87, author of the acclaimed memoir My Two Elaines, which chronicles the couple’s love story from high school to the governor’s mansion and, ultimately, to the memory care community in Milwaukee where Elaine died in 2022, turned to alcohol to escape the emotional strain of daily caregiving. He often drank alone after Elaine went to bed, describing the numbness as a way to become temporarily oblivious to the reality of her disease. But the relief came at a cost. The alcohol disrupted his sleep, leaving him feeling worse and more irritable the next morning and less able to cope with the challenges of caregiving. That fueled a desire to drink again, creating what he described as a vicious cycle of alcohol, poor sleep, guilt and frustration. “I was harming my ability to be helpful to the person I loved because of my drinking,” admits Schreiber. His four children eventually staged an intervention, warning him that if he didn’t change, he might die before their mom. The conversation was a wake-up call. He began counseling sessions that helped him give up drinking, and continued working with a professional counselor for several years. The experience helped him understand that asking for help wasn’t a sign of giving up but an act of courage. He also came to realize how much Elaine depended on him: “Caregivers are the lifeline to our loved one, and we’ve got to keep that lifeline strong.” Surround yourself with support Susanne White began her caregiving journey sober, but caring for her mother, Claire, who had Alzheimer’s, tested White’s sobriety in ways she hadn’t anticipated. White, founder of Caregiver Warrior and author of Self-Care for Caregivers, understood that as someone in recovery who has a tendency to self-medicate, caregiving could put her in a particularly vulnerable position. The exhaustion, emotional depletion, stress, grief and desire to fix things for a loved one created a temptation to seek immediate relief. She acknowledges that she came close to falling off the wagon during her caregiving experience and, at times, struggled with the urge to use alcohol or other behaviors to numb difficult emotions. White learned that the key to staying sober was recognizing the warning signs before they became overwhelming. She regularly asked herself four questions: whether she was hungry, angry, lonely or tired. She used those check-ins to determine what she actually needed. If she was exhausted, she would take a break; if she was lonely, she would reach out to a friend; if she was overwhelmed, she would slow down, breathe and talk to someone rather than try to anesthetize the feelings. “Self-awareness is what saved me,” she says. Just as important was building a support network. White deliberately surrounded herself with people who understood caregiving and could support her without trying to fix her. She sought out caregiver support groups, connected with other caregivers through the Alzheimer’s Association and even struck up conversations with strangers while waiting in pharmacy lines. She also found an unexpected refuge in horseback riding. While caring for her parents in southern New Jersey, she carved out 90 minutes each Sunday to ride at a nearby stable. The women she rode with were also caregivers, and she found that the time spent laughing, crying and simply being together gave her a much-needed respite. She called them the “caregiver cowgirls.” Caregiving habits can change with circumstances For some caregivers, coping mechanisms end when the caregiving role ends as well. That was the case for Denise Brown, 63, who became obsessed with Trader Joe’s dark chocolate peanut butter cups while caring for her parents, Roger and Sally Loeffler. Her mother had Parkinson’s disease and died in 2022, while her father battled bladder and skin cancer and passed away the next year. Like many caregivers, Brown, founder and CEO of Caregiving Years Training Academy, found herself looking for ways to manage her ongoing stress. Her go-to coping mechanism of peanut butter cups, which she sometimes had three or four packages of in the house, led her to gain more than 30 pounds over several years. But Brown didn’t beat herself up over it. “I think caregivers have a tendency to harshly judge themselves,” she says. Instead, she viewed her behavior with compassion, recognizing that caregiving was demanding and that she was doing her best to cope and survive. When work becomes an escape For Natalie Elliott Handy, work became her way of coping with the emotional demands of caring for her husband, Jason, after he was diagnosed with head and neck cancer in 2022. At the time, Handy was also stepping into the CEO role at Intercept Health, a large behavioral health organization. Join Our Fight for Caregivers Here’s how you can help: - Sign up to become part of AARP’s online advocacy network and help family caregivers get the support they need. - Find out more about how we’re fighting for you every day in Congress and across the country. - AARP is your fierce defender on the issues that matter to people 50-plus. Become a member or renew your membership today. Handy says she initially responded to Jason’s illness by doubling down on what she did best: work. She continued working 60 to 70 hours a week, often seven days a week, while coordinating Jason’s cancer treatment. When he received radiation treatments at 7 a.m., she scheduled her work around his appointments. When he was receiving infusions in New York City, she worked from their nearby apartment. Handy says she also recognized a pattern in herself that had existed long before Jason became ill: her obsession with perfectionism. The problem became clearer after Jason completed treatment and the couple returned home to Virginia. For the first time in months, Handy wasn’t constantly rushing between medical appointments, work meetings and caregiving responsibilities. Instead of feeling relieved, she felt angry, disconnected and unable to concentrate. She had difficulty figuring out what to do with herself. “I had been on a high,” she says. “I was in a constant state of activity, and all of a sudden it was deathly quiet.” It was only then that Handy began to recognize herself as a caregiver and to understand how much the experience had taken out of her. Handy eventually reassessed her priorities. She left Intercept Health and began focusing more of her energy on caregiving advocacy, including launching a podcast and later cofounding CareForward, which connects those in need with community members who donate time, talent, or resources. She still works long hours and is deeply committed to her career, but she says work is no longer her priority. “Jason’s cancer cured me,” she says. “I reprioritized my life.” Signs that coping habits may be harmful Self-awareness is key to recognizing how coping habits affect a caregiver’s life, Kossmann says. A coping behavior doesn’t necessarily become problematic simply because someone does it frequently. She explains: “The bigger question is what purpose the behavior is serving and what happens when the person tries to step away from it.” You May Also Like - Experience 1 - Experience 2 - Experience 3 - Experience 4 - Experience 5 Kossmann recommends watching out for these warning signs: - Secrecy. If a caregiver starts hiding how much they are drinking, eating, shopping or engaging in another coping behavior, it may be worth taking a closer look. Feeling embarrassed or ashamed about the behavior can be another red flag, says Kossmann. - Interference with daily living. Another clue is when the coping behavior begins to interfere with health or routines — for example, disrupting sleep, affecting physical health, damaging relationships or making it harder to fulfill responsibilities. - Loss of control. A coping strategy may become problematic when a person finds it increasingly difficult to cut back, stop or choose a different response — even when they recognize that the behavior is causing problems. For example, someone might tell themselves they will have one drink to unwind but routinely end up having several or plan to work for an hour after dinner only to find themselves working late into the night. - Frequency and intensity. Having an extra drink after an especially difficult day or occasionally reaching for comfort food doesn’t necessarily mean a coping strategy has become problematic. But if someone is drinking several drinks every night, binge eating regularly, working compulsively or increasingly withdrawing from friends and activities, the behavior may be signaling that the caregiver is overwhelmed and needs more support. Ultimately, Kossmann says, caregivers don’t need to wait until a behavior becomes an addiction or causes a major crisis before addressing it. “The goal isn’t to eliminate every coping habit,” she says. “It’s to recognize when a habit stops helping you cope and starts becoming another problem you have to manage.” Coping strategies that can help Caregiving can push people toward habits that offer immediate relief but do little to reduce stress over the long term. Experts say the goal is not to judge those responses but to become more aware of them and gradually replace them with activities that restore energy, reduce stress and support overall well-being. “Live through your senses, whether that means listening to music, enjoying a favorite scent or feeling grass beneath your feet,” says Cheryl Field, author of Prepared! A Healthcare Guide for Aging Adults. Field and Kossmann recommend several strategies, including: - Ask for support. Reach out to family, friends or professionals before stress becomes overwhelming. - Choose activities that are restorative. Look for ways to manage stress that leave you feeling calmer, refreshed or more grounded instead of simply providing a temporary escape. - Get moving. Walk, stretch, dance, garden or find another form of physical activity that helps release tension and shift your focus. - Engage your senses. Listen to music, spend time outdoors or find other small ways to reconnect with your surroundings. - Stay connected. Talk with friends or family members, join a caregiver support group or simply spend time with someone who helps you feel understood. - Take meaningful breaks. Step away from caregiving responsibilities when possible, whether for a few minutes of quiet, a favorite activity or a longer period of respite. AARP Membership Join AARP for only $15 per year with automatic renewal. Get instant access to members-only products and hundreds of benefits, a free second membership, and a subscription to AARP The Magazine.