Бывший чиновник высмеивает индийскую кухню и политическую риторику в новом сборнике сатиры

One doesn’t eat out often, partly because I haven’t yet received my last six DA instalments, but mainly because I can never find parking in NOIDA. But once in a while one has to be adventurous, so Neerja and I decided to have a night out. The question, however, prompted by recent FDA revelations about what is actually dished out as food in restaurants, was: how do we ensure that we are not served plastic granules as rice, palm oil as paneer, crow meat as chicken, shampoo and emulsifier as milk? “I know,” said Neerja, “let’s invite Tukaram Mundhe to accompany us for dinner too!” She was right, you know-Mr. Mundhe is the new toast of the foodies, when he walks into a restaurant the rats and cockroaches (the real ones) leave by the back door, the analogue paneer is dumped into the sewer line, and managers start counting the flies in their kitchens instead of their profits. I’m told the most sought after rating in Bombay eatery circuits these days is not the Michelin Star, but a certificate which proudly states “Tukaram Mundhe approved eatery.” A close second is a board announcing: “Tukaram Mundhe eats here.” But I’m afraid he may be Khemka-ed very soon: institutions nowadays are not expected to follow the law but to find ways around them, for a consideration, of course. Opposition to him has started organising itself. The Bombay High Court has already conveyed its royal displeasure to him. A report in a newspaper revealed that footfalls in restaurants have fallen by 20%, as folks no longer want to pay through their noses for dining on cockroaches, rats, flies and worms (not to mention the Service Charge). I would not be surprised if corporate hospital boardrooms are worrying about the declining patient numbers (and profits) in their Emergency wards for food poisoning, vomiting, loose motions, nausea and other complimentary gifts of five star eateries. Very soon this shall have an effect on our GST collections and the GDP, and Mundhe shall be declared a Dimagi Naxal and Pakistani collaborator. He will then be sent on deputation to the External Affairs Ministry where any damage he does will be as nothing compared to the destruction Messers Jaishankar and Misry have already wrought, and will therefore not be noticed. Coming back to my dinner date, Mr. Mundhe was not available on the phone: he was on his seventh interview of the day for a TV channel, after which he was scheduled to raid the Raj Bhavan kitchen. So Neerja and I decided to play it safe and have aloo parathas and kheer at Murthal- a dhaba is still the safest place to eat in India, and there’s plenty of parking too. It also eases the pain of the missing DA instalments. The cockroaches, Dimagi Naxals and “kuttas” are barking up the wrong tree. The changes and reforms they want -in the examination systems, condition of schools, accountability- will not happen unless this unresponsive government in Delhi departs. And it will never depart as long as the future elections (general and state) are based on SIR and EVMs. It now appears increasingly plausible  that both have been so structured as to deliver victories for the BJP/NDA  when and where it matters. The anecdotal evidence is mounting. The established political parties appear to be  finally realising this, and the new kids on the block should, too. They will achieve their ultimate goal only when the elections are rendered fair and transparent, when the Election Commission of India is compelled to cancel SIR,  revert to the paper ballot system, impartially enforce the Model Code of Conduct; when the force of public pressure persuades the Supreme Court to quash the appointments of the three Election Commissioners as violative of an earlier SC judgment. These are the foundational changes the times demand and the CJP should take up – achieve these, and the rest will follow as surely as spring follows winter. Fail here, and the winter of discontent will continue for a very, very, long time and there will be no spring. *                     *                      *                      *                            * I’ve reached the time of life when I can expect Drs. Dementia, Parkinson and Alzheimer to be standing in a queue outside my door. They have not, however, paid me a visit so far; I suspect because either my name has been deleted from their lists in a Gyanesh Kumar type of exercise, or because they suspect that I am already so far gone that their ministrations are not required. Which suits me fine, because these days I am afflicted by another condition- schizophrenia or split personality, or, to be more precise, splintered personalities because there are now so many of me. Let me explain. The symptoms first evinced themselves in 2014 but have now metastatized to an impressive scale, especially after the July student protests in Delhi. I have always considered myself a dissident or dissenter of the Modi government and was fairly comfortable with this personality trait, notwithstanding that it has cost me most of my relatives and friends. But not any more. For I am now informed, on the authority of a dozen Ministers and Kangana Runout, that I am also a cockroach, a “kutta”, an Andolanjeevi, gang member of both the Khan Market and Tukre-Tukre gangs, a gutter generation type, an anti-national, an urban Naxal, a Dimagi Naxal. Whew! That’s a lot for any one individual to handle: I cannot for the life of me figure out to which of the above genera I belong. It has caused an identity crisis for me: who the Hell am I? I probably need to see a shrink, but I don’t think my CGHS card will cover that. Neerja, the only other intelligent member of my family other than Brutus, my doggo, says there is only one solution to my problem- stop disagreeing with Mr. Modi on everything and become his supporter. With this change my splintered personality will coalesce into just one – that of a Bhakt- and the schizophrenia will vanish in an instant. A Bhakt has no nuances, doubts, questions, he is self confident in his stupidity, proud of his incompleteness. I considered the idea for a couple of days but then decided to dump it. For I discovered that the “bhakt” has his own medical, much severer mental condition- Delusional Psychosis, in which he regards the non-biological one as a God, has a complete disconnect from reality, is ready to kill those who think, pray, eat or speak differently and is stone deaf to reason. I can live with my splintered personality but this “bhakti” is a pain in the traditional place I can do without. Maybe I’ll just go to Sadhguru to find out the real me. The author retired from the IAS in December 2010. A keen environmentalist and trekker he has published a book on high altitude trekking in the Himachal Himalayas: THE TRAILS LESS TRAVELLED. His second book- SPECTRE OF CHOOR DHAR is a collection of short stories based in Himachal that was published in July 2019. His third book was released in August 2020: POLYTICKS, DEMOCKRAZY AND MUMBO JUMBO is a compilation of satirical and humorous articles on the state of our nation. His fourth book was published in July 2021. INDIA: THE WASTED YEARS – chronicles all the missed opportunities in the last nine years. His fifth book – THE DEPUTY COMMISSIONER’S DOG AND OTHER COLLEAGUES –  released in September 2023, portrays the lighter side of life in the IAS and in Himachal. He published his sixth book, DISAPPEARING DEMOCRACY-DISMANTLING OF A NATION in March 2024; it is a commentary on events from 2021 to the present, a sequel to THE WASTED YEARS. Shukla writes for various publications and websites on the environment, governance and social issues. He divides his time between Delhi and his cottage in a small village above Shimla. He blogs at avayshukla.blogspot.com